Honestly, I think that myself, as well as people around me, are starting to be more mature in our ways of thought. No longer are we just out to have fun. It takes event to change people. Things must happen before people realise something.
Suddenly, our topics of discussion no longer swirl round inconsequential things like soccer, movies and such. More and more, all of us are starting to think about our future, and what we want to do next time. We are starting to see people, who are about the same age, achieve something even our parents would be proud of. And this sets us thinking; if these people, who did not fare as well academically in school, could achieve this, what are we doing here, trying our best to accumulate as many Aces as possible? Is it gonna help us?
Since young, people have always been asking me, so what do you want to do next time? Throughout the years, my answer has never changed. And I am starting to be ashamed of it, for every single time, I am forced to bow my head, force out a grin and tell them "I have absolutely no idea."
It sure does not feel good, for everytime I look into a mirror, I see someone who has absolutely no direction in life. However, I am pretty glad that more people are seeing my point. In the past, everybody wanted jobs which are highly paid. Is money really so important? Is it even more important than things like family, friends and happiness? If I don't have a loving family waiting for me at home everyday, and I don't have friends who will lend me their support whenever I need them, I don't think I will be happy, even with all the worldly riches.
Before you sleep tonight, as you lie in bed with the lights out, think. Give yourself ten silent minutes and think. Ten years down the road, what do you see yourself doing? Do you see a smile on your face every single day? How about twenty years, thirty years, forty years later? Then think about this. Is this what you really want in life?

insomnia

Insomnia sucks.
Every time I have insomnia, I would start thinking about things. I would think about my life, and everything that is happening around me. Tonight is no exception.
Looking back at the past one yr plus or so, a lot of events and things have changed me. Time changes people. Is it time? Or is it the army. I used to tell people that army aint gonna do much to me, cuz I've been in ncc. But I realised that its so different. Now when i think back about this comment, I would mock at myself.
Times have changed. People have changed. Friends come and go, as per usual. There would always be this intense period, where there would be a lot of talking, and sharing. But, its always gonna reach a point where both parties realise theres nothing much to share anymore, and the communication dies off there. So does the closeness.
Now thats for friends. Moving on to army.
Army has made me grow up in more ways than one. At every single stage, I learn something, most of the time through the hard way.
BMT made me realise that people around me are very important. Other than motivating them as leaders, there is also a need to know everybody on a personal level. It is the essential lubricant to get things going. Garang does not do the job. Striking a balance is the key.
Tri service term made me realise, there are many ways to go about doing something, and getting a point across. There is no need to use authority or punishment. However, it also made me realise that OCS isnt that fantastic after all. I still remain firm in my belief that a lot of them do not deserve to be there at all.
Transition from tri service to service term made me feel the pain of a wrong decision. Until now, I am still wondering whether crossing over was a right decision.
Service term, I learnt about self discipline, through counter examples. Integrity, is about doing the right thing, even when nobody is looking. Temptations will always be there. Its up to the individual to curb it. I also saw a lot of ugly things, from a third party point of view. Although I suffered as a result, but I still do not regret, for the things I observed spoke volumes about the world out there.
Pro term, more specifically weapon phase, was the longest 19 weeks of my life. The world is all about how you work with people around you. No man makes an island. We need to depend on one another to survive. That is why it is innate human nature to flock to the alpha of the group, or the most popular ones. It is the support, and the sense of identity, that makes the gears of the engine turn. It is ironic, however, that in the process of gaining the sense of identity, the social acceptance, a lot of people lose themselves, their own beliefs and principles. If you stick by your belief and principles, and it does not coincide with the majority, lo and behold, hell will descend upon thou. No matter how much you work, it does not matter. No one will dare to lend you their support, or speak up for you, for you are the odd one out, and no one would want to identify themselves with the odd one out. Conversely, hold the boss's balls, lick the boss's boots, and you will fly, faster than an f-16. One word to sum up my life for this 19 weeks - miserable.
After being posted to where I am now, it has been a total roller coaster ride. haven't been this in control for very long. However, this entails great responsibility as well. The picture I always paint of my job being damn slack, is in actual fact not very accurate. However, that is not the key. I've been mixing around with people from an older age group, or from lives less sheltered and more topsy turvy than mine. After hearing about what some of them go through, I feel so minute, child-like and protected compared to them. In this place, I am exposed to the lower rungs of the social ladder. Everyday, when i go to work, I am reminded of how lucky I am. I see a 20 yr old guy being reduced to tears, over $200 of damages he has to pay for spoiling something. $200. That is the amount some of us might spend in a meal sometimes. I see people who refuse to replace their cards after they've been misplaced, because they have no money to pay the $50 fine. $50. Many of us spend more than that in a night of clubbing. I see people, younger than I am, with a kid in tow. Father has just been let out of DB, serving his NS, with a meagre pay of $350 a mth. Due to past civil offences, he is still under probation. Mother is inside girls home, and will not be out anytime soon. What is going to happen to the baby? I interview people, and get them to open up to me about their problems. It is not easy to get them to open up, but the worst part comes when, after getting them to open up, you realise there is absolutely nothing you can do to help them. You want to help, but do not know how. And moments ago, you were just chanting, come one, tell me your problem, i'll help you, thinking you are a fucking know it all. You know how fucking useless I feel?
And that is the reason why I've been more spoilt at home, even more so than my school days. Home is the only place where I am allowed to be pampered. Once I go to work, I can no longer afford to be childish, to do things my way, and expect others to take care of me, for I have so many more people to take care of.
There are a thousand and one things waiting for me back at the office. But I really really need a break. And i really really need people down there to not give me unnecessary problems.
The candle is melting, and the flame is dangerously close to the wick.
I need sleep.